Getting It Right Every Day
# 7. Getting Your Marriage Right.
Read – Psalm 127.
There is an Old Russian proverb that gives this advice:
Before going to war – pray once.
Before going to sea – pray twice.
Before getting married – pray three times.
It is reported that Plato, the Greek philosopher, once said, ‘By all means marry. If you get a good wife you’ll be twice happy. If you get a bad one you’ll be a philosopher.
My favourite marriage saying, however, comes from something I read in Readers Digest some years ago. Directed to men, it said, ‘The best gift you can give your children is to love their mother.’
‘For better or for worse.’ Those are words from a traditional marriage ceremony, and frequently, as I have gone over those words with young brides and grooms to be, I have seen them wince at the thought of having them as a part of their ceremony. Some see those words as just a part of tradition with no relevance to life today. Others find them quite inappropriate and unwelcome in today’s success oriented society.
When couples object to having these words in their ceremony I’ll sometimes say to them, “There are no perfect marriages, you know.” Then I stop and look for a moment as the bride-to-be looks at the groom-to-be as if to say, “Well, that was before we fell in love.” But it is really very true that there are no perfect marriages because there are no perfect persons. One man said, “The only perfect person I have ever met was my wife’s first husband.”
Our subject today is ‘Getting Your Marriage Right.’ If you are single don’t leave. Your time may yet come. I ran into an elderly lady in her eighties two Christmases ago. I knew her husband had died sometime that year and I asked her how she was getting on. She said just fine. She had met a ninety year old man and they were married six months after the death of her first husband. I saw her again last week and asked how they were doing. She told me he died six months ago and she didn’t think she would consider a third husband. So ‘singles’ don’t run away. There may be something in this message for you.
Here is what we really face in life today. All around us we can see marriages falling apart and homes breaking up faster than we can imagine. In Colonial days there was one divorce for every 500 marriages. Today there is one divorce for every 3 marriages. And divorce, as those of you who have experienced it knows, brings with it tragedy, anger, bitterness, grief, frustration and a sense of failure.
Divorce, at best, is an admission that two people have failed in their original purpose and have destroyed something precious to God. Marriage is something that is holy in God’s sight, and divorce, even when it is unavoidable, is still the breaking of something infinitely holy and meaningful in the sight of God.
As Christians, therefore, you and I need to do everything we can to maintain our marriage, for marriages often die of neglect. Marriages die when two persons who once loved and cared for each other have come to take each other for granted and they begin to grow apart until one day the find they have lost admiration and affection for each other and have developed intimate relations with others leading to a crisis of trust and love. And it usually happens because one spouse took the other for granted.
What can we do to keep this from happening to us? How can we maintain our marriage on a day to day basis so that we get the best out of it?
Please read with me Psalm 127, verses 1 & 2. There are two major ideas conveyed in these two verses.
1. The Lord Himself Is To Be The Center Of Our Homes.
When two people commit themselves to a marriage, the idea is that they build a home together. The text reads, ‘Unless the Lord builds the house its builders labour in vain.’ Then the poet repeats the words ‘unless the Lord…’ In Hebrew repetition is used to emphasize an important fact. The idea is not that the Lord uses a hammer and some nails and erects a building, but rather that He must be the Foundation upon which married couples build their homes. He must be the Guardian of their relationship, the One to whom they turn in times of trouble and need.
And the Psalmist is telling us that people who build their marriage relationships on other foundations are labouring in vain. I have had people say to me, “Pastor, I would like to come to church more often and do more for the church, but I have to spend all my extra time working at my marriage.” I tell them that is good, but I also remind them that, if the Lord is not at the center of their marriage, it is likely to fail. I sometimes tell them that ‘the people who pray together, stay together and also the people who worship together stay together.’ God must be at the center of the marriage.
Now, before God can be at the centre of the marriage, He must first be at the centre of our lives. That is the starting point. If you are going to build your marriage upon the foundation of God then you must first place Jesus Christ at the center of your life. Not only do you need Him as your Saviour from sin, but you also need Him to form and direct your attitudes and actions toward your spouse.
All of us come to our marriages with attitudes, ideas and habits which we bring from our past, things we learned and developed in the environment of the homes, the communities and friendship we had when we were growing up. We like to call that ‘our cultural baggage.’ The problem is that often the husband’s cultural baggage clashes with the wife’s cultural baggage and neither can understand why his or her spouse can’t just do things ‘my way.’
When Christ is at the center of a marriage relationship a spouse’s first response to marriage conflict is always to meet the needs of his or her partner in life. A man learns that he is to ‘love his wife as Christ loves the church,’ that is, unconditionally and sacrificially. And a woman discovers that she can ‘submit’ to a husband who loves her unconditionally and he will never harm her.
With Christ at the center of her life and Christ at the center of his life, they can discover together the principles of a happy marriage and a happy home, and can enjoy a life time of love, trust and true companionship. They can be each other’s best friend.
Is Jesus Christ at the center of your life? If He isn’t then you need to surrender to Him now and make that happen. And this leads to the second idea in this text.
2. Building Character is Essential to Building a Good Marriage.
While we may build a house with mortar and bricks and wood and nail, a marriage is built with good character traits. Now favourite list of character traits are given in Colossians 3:12 – 14. I find these are character traits that apply not only to marriage but to any personal relationships in life. Let’s look at these individually.
A. Compassion.
Compassion is tender heartedness for someone who is hurting. Compassion sees when someone is feeling lonely and steps in to give them time. Compassion knows when someone is feeling empty and reaches out to fill his cup. Compassion simply learns what the needs of a spouse are and reaches out to fill that need, and again I add the word ‘unconditionally.’ It does so without asking for anything in return. That kind of compassion is an outflow of your life in Christ. It is not natural to us. We get it from Him. Are you aware of the needs of your spouse and are your reaching out to meet them?
B. Kindness.
Kindness, like compassion, is love in action. Kindness is coming home from a long hard day at the office and noticing that the sink is full of dirty dishes and washing them for your spouse even though you know she was home all day.
Kindness is sometimes risky. You might be misunderstood when you do something kind for her. She may be thinking, “Why is he being so nice to me? What is it he wants? What’s in it for him?” This will be true especially if you’ve never been that kind before. Listen to Proverbs 11:17, ‘A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself” (NIV). And listen to this great promise from Proverbs 21:21, ‘Be kind and honest and you will live a long life; others will respect you and treat you fairly” (GNT).
How can you be kind to your spouse? I’ll just mention these I stole from Rick Warren, without developing them:
Be sensitive to his/her needs.
Be supportive to his/her ideas and ideals.
Be sympathetic when he or she is moody.
Be straightforward (honest, candid).
Be spontaneous – seize the moment, use your opportunity.
C. Humility.
There is an old story of a snake that went to an optometrist for a pair of glasses. “You can’t wear glasses,” said the optometrist. “You don’t have a nose or ears on which to hang them. And besides your eyes are in the wrong place. Let’s try some contact lenses.”
“All right,” the snake agreed.” So he was fitted with contact lenses.
Several weeks later the snake returned to the doctor. “Have you been able to see better?” the doctor inquired.
Yes, I can see fine. But I’m extremely depressed,” the snake complained.
“Why is that? The doctor asked.
“I’ve just discovered that I have been living with a water hose!”
What is the point? The point is this, that clear vision can be very painful.
Humility is seeing ourselves as we really are and being willing to admit it. Humility understands when I am wrong and is willing to say, “I was wrong and I am sorry.” Some people find that difficult to handle.
D. Gentleness.
Gentleness is power under control. Many spouses know when they have the upper hand on their partner. Quite often there is one member in the marriage who, for one reason or another has power over the other partner. Such a person needs to learn about this character trait called Gentleness and built it into his/her life.
Gentleness is understanding, not demanding. It learns to see things from a spouse’s point of view.
Gentleness is gracious, not judgemental. It does not pretend to be holier than the other person. It never says, “I told you so,” or “It serves you right.”
And gentleness is tender without surrender. In other words, it learns to disagree without being disagreeable. Again I admit that I borrowed these from Rick Warren’s sermons on the Fruit of the Spirit.
E. Patience.
Patience means that, in a marriage, you have to put up with a lot of things which are beyond your control. Our partners have different ideas on what is right, what is appropriate, different habits and patterns of doing things and it isn’t right that we should expect one partner to conform to all the standards and patterns of behaviour to which the other holds. Life doesn’t work that way.
‘Suppose the world doesn’t please you,
And the things that others do;
Do you think the whole creation
Should be altered just for you?’
At all cost avoid the temptation to have complete control over your spouse and if he or she needs changing, then leave the changing to God and learn to love your spouse totally and unconditionally.
I will leave you with these two things today in regard to getting it right in your marriage.
a. Build your marriage relationship upon God by putting Jesus at the center of your life.
b. Build character traits which are essential to building a good marriage.
Begin today to build into your family the character traits that will bless you for a life time. Commit yourself first to God through Jesus Christ His Son, and secondly to your spouse above all other relationships in life. Get it right with your marriage and you are likely to get it right in everything else.
